


You Can’t Hide By Closing Your Eyes

by lilies_in_a_vase



Series: Looking For A Safe Place To Land [8]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Abusive Neil Hargrove, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Neil Hargrove, Billy Hargrove & Eleven | Jane Hopper Friendship, Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Bonding, Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Have a Good Relationship, Billy Hargrove Deserves Better, Billy Hargrove Lives, Billy Hargrove Needs Love, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Billy Hargrove is a Mess, Dreams and Nightmares, Eleven | Jane Hopper & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Friendship, F/M, Gay Billy Hargrove, Gen, Good Sibling Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Guilt, Halloween, Hurt Billy Hargrove, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Maxine "Max" Mayfield & Mike Wheeler Friendship, Minor Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler, Minor Maxine "Max" Mayfield/Lucas Sinclair, Neil Hargrove's A+ Parenting, Nightmares, POV Eleven | Jane Hopper, POV Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Pain, Protective Eleven | Jane Hopper, Protective Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Sibling Bonding, Will Byers & Billy Hargrove Friendship, Will Byers & Eleven | Jane Hopper & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Friendship, Will Byers & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Friendship, Will Byers Being Amazing, Withholding Pain Medication, horror movies, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25022767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilies_in_a_vase/pseuds/lilies_in_a_vase
Summary: Billy’s breathing speeds up again.“No, no, Max, please, don’t go. Don’t...”‘Don’t leave me alone.’She smiles a little, presses her cheek into his hair. “I won’t. I’ll stay here. I promise.”—Featuring:Neil hides Billy’s pain medicationBilly has a nightmareMax and the Party are Amazing
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Eleven | Jane Hopper & Billy Hargrove, Maxine "Max" Mayfield/Lucas Sinclair, Will Byers & Billy Hargrove, Will Byers & Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield
Series: Looking For A Safe Place To Land [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1637785
Comments: 19
Kudos: 229





	You Can’t Hide By Closing Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:   
> This work has references to child abuse, and deals with nightmares, guilt, and the aftermath of being possessed
> 
> Here’s the next part, everyone! 
> 
> As always, I don’t own “Stranger Things” and the title comes from Sara Bareilles and John Legend’s song “A Safe Place to Land”.

Billy’s been home for a little over two weeks, and Max is worried. He spends the days in his room, and when their parents are home he only leaves for breakfast and dinner, or to go to the bathroom. Max goes to the high school every day after school and picks up assignments from his teachers. They know that Billy’s still recovering, but he had insisted that he still get work to do. Anything to be able to graduate. So Max brings him assignments from school, and she takes back his finished ones, and that’s how he spends his days. Then when Max gets home she’ll get him to move around a little, get him to walk around the house, maybe get him to sit outside for a little while. Some days she’s come home and found him sleeping, holding Survivor close to his heart. She’s let him sleep those days, but has made sure he’s awake at least half an hour before Neil gets home and she can hide the teddy bear back in her own room. 

She knows he misses Steve, but otherwise he doesn’t show any wish to get out of the house. Max remembers when they first drove to Indiana. First Neil in his car, then Billy in the Camaro and then Max and her mom bringing up the rear. She wonders if that was deliberate. If Neil was afraid Billy would just take off if he wasn’t surrounded by his dad and stepmom. There’s no risk of Billy running away now, though. Max knows he hasn’t tried getting in his car yet, and he’s not strong enough to walk far, and when he’s not working on school or being with Max he’s curled up in bed. Max thinks he should still be going to physical therapy, but it wasn’t required by the hospital and neither Neil nor Susan will drive him. And Neil took his pain meds a week ago. She doesn’t know what he did with them, but she knows he’s not giving them to Billy. She’s seen the way Billy holds his arms around himself as though he’s close to falling apart. 

But now it’s Tuesday evening, two days before Halloween, and Max’ mum wants them to all watch a horror movie together. It’s become a tradition in the Hargrove-Mayfield household, one of the few good traditions they have, and usually they watch it on Halloween before Max goes out for trick or treats, but this year Susan and Neil are going away for Susan’s cousin’s wedding. The drive there would be too much for Billy, Susan didn’t want to leave him alone, Max has only met said cousin once when she was really little, and Susan didn’t want her to miss out on Halloween. Everyone who knows Susan gets surprised by how big she is on Halloween, but Max is not shocked they’re letting them stay home. She’s gone shopping for decorations and made scary cookies with her mum enough times to know. The whole house is decorated, bats and fake spiderwebs everywhere, and a Jack-o’-lantern sits outside the front door.

Susan’s making hot chocolate in the kitchen, and Max can hear Neil popping popcorn on the stove. She herself is dragging out blankets for all of them, dumping two of them on the bigger couch where Neil and her mum will sit, before dumping one in Billy’s lap and the other beside him in the smaller sofa. He pulls it around himself and mumbles a ‘thank you’ when Susan comes out and hands him his hot chocolate. He doesn’t look particularly excited, which is a little weird, because every year before Billy’s kind of seemed to enjoy himself. He’s enjoyed throwing popcorn into Max’ hair when their parents weren’t looking, at least. 

Neil comes out with the popcorn next, and four smaller bowls for them to each take some so they don’t have to reach for the big bowl all the time. Then Susan pops the movie in, and turns of the lights. 

Max likes horror movies, and the shit with the Upside Down didn’t change that. If anything, it made her like them more. She likes seeing the heroes win, has started taking note of the different monsters and what to use against them,  _ just in case _ , and she knows those events in the movies aren’t real, because Max has experienced real horror, so there’s something comforting in the fictional kind. 

But one glance at Billy, and she can tell he disagrees. They’re not even halfway through the movie, and yet she can see him clenching his blanket until his knuckles turn white, which can’t be comfortable for his scarred palms, and she can tell his whole body’s tense. He’s shifting between not being able to stop staring at the movie, and trying to look anywhere but at the TV. He’s terrified. And suddenly Max realises that parts of this movie probably hits a little too close to home for Billy.

She puts her popcorn bowl back on the table and grabs her blanket before shifting so she’s lying down with her head in Billy’s lap. She reaches out and takes his hand, the blanket hiding them. The movement makes Billy turn towards her, and she mouths back at him: ‘Don’t look’. He gives her what is probably supposed to be a smile, but it looks more like a grimace than anything else. 

Max spends the rest of the movie holding Billy’s hand, feeling him flinch at the scary scenes, and squeezing his hand whenever she sees him look at the TV for too long, just to take his attention away from whatever’s going on in his head. 

Once the movie’s finished, an eternity later, Neil pops it out and goes to the bathroom, while Billy scopes up the blankets and Max helps her mum take everything back to the kitchen. 

Then they each take a turn to go to the bathroom and brush their teeth, before they all go to their respective bedrooms to sleep. 

But Max doesn’t sleep. She stays awake, waiting until she’s sure her mum and Neil are asleep, before she stands up. She goes to grab Survivor from his place among her soft animals, her pillow in her other hand, before she steps out off her room and crosses the hallway to Billy’s door. She turns the handle and gently pushes it open, closing it behind herself, before stepping up to his bed. 

The light of the moon illuminates him, and she can see he’s sleeping on his back, but he’s pushed himself up as close to the wall as he can come, and the blanket’s been pulled almost all the way up to his chin. Like he’s trying to hide. 

Max puts down her own pillow beside his, and drags the blanket down enough for her to climb in. She puts Survivor between them, grabs Billy’s hand, and closes her eyes to sleep. 

She’s shaken awake what must be less than an hour later by Billy’s twisting form. It’s no less than she expected. This is, after all, the reason Max even came here in the first place. 

He’s not holding her hand anymore, instead he’s moved so he’s lying on his side, fisting the blanket in twitching hands. Curled up, making himself as small a target as possible. He’s frowning, like he’s in pain, and his breathing’s too quick. 

Max slowly reaches out to touch him, but he flinches away from her and tries to pull himself even closer to the wall. 

“No... no, stop... Don’t! Please... please, stop, don’t... no, no... don’t touch them! Don’t-!” He lets out a cry and Max knows she needs to wake him up before her mum, or worse, Neil, hear and come to investigate. 

So she reaches out even if he’s flinching and puts her arms around him. It’s a little awkward, because he’s so much bigger than her, but right now Max feels like she’s the strong one. Billy feels too vulnerable in her arms, and Max is the one to do the protecting. 

“Wake up, Billy. Come on. Please, Billy. Wake up. You’re dreaming. Wake up.” 

It takes a while, but eventually she hears him suck in a deep breath quickly followed by shorter, gasping ones, that turn into sobs. Survivor’s still between them, and she thinks she feels him clutch the bear with one arm while the other goes around her waist and pulls her close. She’s pretty sure she can feel her heart ache when she hears what he’s whispering between sobs. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Max, please, I’m sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to, I never wanted... I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please, Max, please, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to...” it’s like a broken mantra, and Max hurts because she’s pretty sure he’s trying to convince her that he didn’t want to kill all those people. But he doesn’t need to convince her. Max knows he wasn’t in control. 

And so she holds him tighter, and she starts whispering back. 

“I know, I know, Billy. It wasn’t your fault. I promise it wasn’t. It wasn’t your fault.” 

But it doesn’t seem to help. He’s still crying, Max can feel her pyjamas getting soaked, and he won’t stop apologising. It takes her a second before she comes to a realisation. She squeezes her eyes shut, and doesn’t like what she’s about to say, but she has a sneaking suspicion it’s the only thing that’s going to let Billy calm down. 

“I forgive you”, she whispers, and sure enough, he stops apologising. He keeps crying, but it’s softer now. She doesn’t ask what he dreamt of, she knows it was something about the Mindflayer possessing him, and she doesn’t think it would help Billy to think more about it. 

He shifts a little, and Max hears him let out a whimper. She doubts this has been particularly pleasant for his still healing body. 

“Are you in pain?” she asks, softly, quietly. 

There’s a pause, and Max wonders if he’s debating being honest or not. Honesty seems to win, because he answers her equally as quietly. “Y-Yeah.” 

“Do you want me to let go?” she asks, because she doesn’t want to be hurting him, but Billy’s breathing speeds up again. 

“No, no, Max, please, don’t go. Don’t...” 

_ ‘Don’t leave me alone.’  _

She smiles a little, presses her cheek into his hair. “I won’t. I’ll stay here. I promise.” 

She thinks she feels him nod, and they fall back asleep like that, holding on to each other. 

— 

Max is woken up by the door to Billy’s room opening. Her mum’s standing in the doorway. 

Max has somehow ended up with her head on Billy’s shoulder, but she sits up, immediately awake, when Susan’s gaze falls on her.

“Maxie?” she says, looking really freaking confused. 

“Morning, mum.” She stands up, pulls the blanket back over Billy and Survivor, who’s ended up by his belly, and goes up to her mum, rubbing her eyes. “I had a nightmare. Didn’t want to wake you or Neil. Billy let me sleep here.” 

Susan smiles at her, and Max is reminded of several months ago, when Billy was sick and Susan left them in the ER parking lot, telling Max to  _‘take care of her brother’_. And then she remembers Susan crying when she’d come to the mall and seen Max in her bloody clothes, and looking relieved when she told her it wasn’t her blood, and Max had wondered why she hadn’t been worried when Max told her it was Billy’s. 

Still, she follows her mum out of the bedroom and back into her own. She can hear the shower, and assumes Neil’s in there. They’re leaving for the wedding this morning, after all.

She lies down in her own bed, and lets her mum put her blanket around her and kiss her forehead. Then she remembers Billy hurting that night, and feeling brave, takes a hold of Susan’s hand before she can leave. 

“Mum?” 

“Yes, sweetie?” She looks a little surprised Max stopped her, but she doesn’t seem upset. 

“It’s just... Billy was hurting, last night. And I know Neil’s not giving him his meds. I was just wondering if you...?” 

Susan sighs, bites her lip and turns to glance out Max’ bedroom window, as though she expects to find all of lives answers out on the street. She nods to herself and turns back to Max. 

“I know where he keeps them. I can... I can take a few out, and put them in the drawer in my nightstand. Okay?” 

Max nods, quickly. “Thank you, mum.” 

Susan leans down and kisses her forehead again, before she stands back up and leaves the room. 

— 

It’s Thursday, Halloween, and the Party’s camped out in Max’ living room. They’d wanted to spend Halloween together, but Max didn’t want to leave Billy alone and after the whole shitshow that was trick or treating last year they’d just decided to stay in and watch a movie this year. 

So they’d pushed the coffee table to the side, and spread out blankets on the floor for Will and Dustin to sit on, while Mike and El cuddle on one couch and Max sits in the other with her legs in Lucas’ lap. They’re watching a horror comedy, and they’ve got the first Indiana Jones and all three Star Wars movies in a stack on the floor. 

They’re almost at the climax of the movie when Max hears a crash from the kitchen that makes her jump of the couch, narrowly avoiding hitting Dustin in the head with her foot, and rush towards the kitchen. She knows it’s Billy, because she’s heard him leave his bedroom before. The others are right behind her, she can hear them scrambling to pause the movie and get out from underneath the blankets, but Max doesn’t wait for them. 

Billy’s on the floor in the kitchen, his back pressed up against the counter and legs out in front of him, a broken glass and some water a few feet from him. He’s doubled over, grasping his chest, and Max can hear him take gasping breaths. She drops to her knees beside him, on the side without the shards of glass. 

She reaches out, pushes his hair away from his face, trying to catch his gaze. His eyes are squeezed shut, but he opens them when he hears her. “ _ Billy? _ ” 

“M-Max, shit,  _ fuck _ , I can’t breathe. My chest feels all heavy.  _ God _ , it hurts so much.” He lets out a whimper, and she sees a few tears escape and roll down his cheeks. She can hear the others come in and stop just past the doorway, but she doesn’t think Billy’s noticed them yet. He sucks in a harsh breathe and it almost looks like he’s trying to claw into his own chest. She grabs his hands and pulls them down, because she knows he’s got scars underneath even if she hasn’t been allowed to see them, and she thinks he’s going to hurt himself worse. He lets out a soft cry and more tears escape. “ _ Fuck _ , fuck, shit,  _ Max _ , Max, my meds, _please_ , where are they,  please , please do you know where he put them?” 

And shit, Max forgot to tell him Susan left them some, because yesterday he seemed okay, but she still should have told him, goddamnit.

But there’s no use dwelling on it now, so instead she turns to the others and barks: “My mum’s bedroom, the nightstand on the left, his meds are there, somebody, get them!” She turns back to Billy, squeezes his hands, and then suddenly Will is beside her. 

“We should get him to his bed”, he says, gently, kindly in that way only Will can, and Max nods at him. He then turns to Billy, while reaching out for one of his hands and taking it from Max. He doesn’t flinch when he feels the scar tissue in the centre of his palm, not like Susan has blanched when she’d only seen it. “Billy? We’re going to help you stand up, okay? I won’t touch your chest, and I’ll try not to touch your sides. Okay?” 

Max is grateful for Will, because other than El he’s probably the one Billy likes the most out of her friends, and while Billy’s lost weight, has lost much of his muscle weight, from three months in the hospital, he’s still taller than them, and she’s not sure she’d be able to get him to his room by herself. But together they manage it, and El hovers nearby and around, helps them gain back their balance when they stumble, and uses her powers to open his bedroom door and keep it open while they get in. Max doesn’t know where the other guys disappeared to, but she can’t bring herself to care too much right now. 

They help Billy down on the bed, and El pulls his blanket up over him. Max sits down on the edge of the bed by his head, and takes hold of his hand again. She can see his other hand clenching the blanket, but at least it isn’t his chest this time. His hand’s trembling in hers. 

“I just wanted a glass of water”, Billy whispers, and it sounds so goddamn defeated. She’s never seen him in this much pain before, save that day at the mall, and she can’t stop thinking that he might have felt like this while she’s been at school and he’s been alone without anything to help the pain. It makes her hate Neil even more than she already does. 

“I’m sorry. I... I asked mum, and she left me some of your medicine yesterday morning, but I forgot to tell you.” 

He smiles weakly up at her. “It’s okay, Max. I was fine yest-  _ Ow, shit _ , shit,  _ fuck _ ...” he ends the sentence in a whimper. 

And it’s like that’s his cue, because suddenly Lucas is in the doorway with a glass of water and two pills in his other hand. He hands them to Max with a reassuring smile. “Your mum left a note. Two at most, and at least four hours between the doses.” 

She gives him a small smile. “Thank you.” 

He nods at her, smiles back, and leaves, closing the door behind him.

Will helps her get Billy to sit up, and she gives him the pills, helps his trembling hand hold the glass so he doesn’t spill all over himself. They get him lying down again, and Billy closes his eyes tightly. 

“F-Fuck. I feel so fucking nauseous.” His grip tightens around her hand, and Max reaches out with the other one to gently stroke his hair. 

“Breathe”, she tells him. “Just breathe.” 

He does as he’s told, eyes still closed, and slowly Max sees the pain lines on his forehead smooth out, sees his whole body relax from how tense it’d been. She hopes he’ll fall asleep. 

“Max”, Will then says. “Go finish watching the movie. We’ll stay with him. It’s okay.” 

Max starts to protest, but then she feels Billy let go of her hand. He moves it to rest on Survivor, and Max takes its as him letting her know she can go. So she stands up, smiles at her two friends, and gently closes the door behind herself. 

She remembers the mess in the kitchen and goes to clean it up, but stops in the doorway. Dustin’s tying up a plastic bag filled with glass shards, and Mike is on the floor with paper towels, cleaning up the water. She smiles gratefully at them when they notice her, and Dustin gives her a thumbs up. 

“He okay?” Mike asks, and Max smiles. 

“Yeah. He is now.” 

He nods, and goes back to soaking up the water. 

Lucas is waiting on the couch when Max gets to the living room. He holds his arms out for her, and she curls up there and cries in his arms. 

— 

El knows Billy promised her he was okay, promised his papa wasn’t like hers, but she’s worried now. Worried because he’s still in so much pain, and it’s because he saved her, and worried because the way he talked to Max and what she told him about her mum made it sound like he didn’t know where his own medicine was, and that’s just  _ wrong _ , because if it’s his  _ then he should have it _ . He needs it. 

She’s sitting on the floor and leaning her back against his bed, and Will has got himself a chair and is sitting by his nightstand. They’ve been quiet since Max left, but El knows Billy isn’t sleeping yet. She found a copy of _‘The Polar Express’_ in his bookcase, and recognised it from his stay in the hospital, so she’d grabbed it and started reading.

“You know”, Will says, and El looks up from the novel. He’s looking at Billy, but she doesn’t think he minds her listening. “A year ago, the Mindflayer, it took me. I spent so long in the Upside Down that it didn’t really leave me even after I got out, and I kept having these flashes of being back in it. And during one of those, it took me. It was like I had one foot in each dimension. But it took me, and it controlled me, and while I had more control than you did, I still... I know what it’s like to be possessed. So if you need to talk about, I think I would be able to understand.” 

“It liked the cold”, Billy says, quietly, and El can hear the fear in his voice. She remembers seeing a bath full of ice when Max had her looking through the Dark that summer. 

Will nods, grimacing. “It did”, he says. “And it hurt to warm it. When... when it first started getting warm outside, and if I’d been outside all day, and started feeling too hot, my first thought wasn’t that I was getting a sunburn, wasn’t that I should go in. My first thought was fear that it was back in me. And yet it didn’t make me do all that horrible shit it made you do. I can’t... I can’t understand what that must’ve felt like. But I know you feel guilty. And I know that you shouldn’t.” 

“I’m a murderer.” 

Will shakes his head, determined. “No, you’re not. You were possessed. Just like I was. It wasn’t your fault. And you didn’t deserve it. Ask El.”

“It’s true”, El says. “I could see your mind, Billy. You didn’t mean to do any of it. You weren’t in control.” She looks down, traces the illustrations of the train in the book. “My papa wanted me to hurt people. And when I refused, he would hurt me. But the Upside Down took away your choice. It didn’t let you refuse. So it isn’t your fault. I promise it isn’t. And friends don’t lie.” They fall silent again, after that, and El hopes Billy’s taking in what they’ve said. But then the silence feels too sad, so she stands up and holds up the book for them to see. “Do you want to hear a story?” she asks and both of them smile at her, so El sits down by Billy’s feet and starts reading. She’s proud of her ability to read, proud over how much better she’s gotten at it since her dad first started teaching her. And so she reads, reads until Billy’s fallen asleep, and then she and Will go back out to watch movies with the others. 

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope you liked it! 
> 
> I went looking for 1985 horror movies, and while I haven’t seen “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge”, I did read the description of it and watch the trailer, so I kind of had that one in mind as the movie that Susan made them watch. I mean, a (blonde?) teenage boy who gets possessed by somebody out to murder does sound like the kind of shit that might affect Billy. If anyone’s seen it and either recommends it or thinks it fits as the movie they’re watching, please let me know in the comments! 
> 
> And finally, if you liked it, then please comment or leave kudos! I keep re-reading all of your comments when I want to feel happy or need motivation to write!


End file.
